We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, ora better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how to kiss someone well. Even if you’re already pretty great at it, there’s probably something more you can learn.
One of the most basic ways that people mess up kissing is by going to extremes with the amount of pressure they use. Some people are way too forceful with their kisses, and wind up bumping teeth, pushing their partner backwards, or coming off as aggressive. Other people are shy and timid, and their kisses end up feeling lifeless. Think about handshakes: it feels strange when someone squeezes your hand way too tightly, and kinda creepy when you get a limp handshake. You have to use some pressure but not too much.
I know this will sound silly, but you can practice finding the right amount of pressure by using the back of your hand! Try pressing your lips loosely against your hand, then pressing them forcefully. From there, try to find a middle-of-the-road level of firmness that feels just right.
Another common characteristic of “bad “kissing is using way too much tongue. When you first start kissing someone, keep the tongue out of it until things start to heat up. Focus more on all the different ways you can kiss with just your lips — keeping your mouth closed, opening it slightly, intertwining your lips with your partners’, pouting your lips, and so on.
When it comes time to add some tongue, be gentle. Your tongue is an incredibly strong muscle, so you need to be careful not to go overboard. Try just gently touching your tongue to your partner’s at first. Imagine that your tongues are softly caressing each other. Don’t jab at your partner with your tongue, and don’t put too much of your tongue into their mouth. Just gentle caresses.
If you feel unsure about how to use your tongue, try practicing on the back of your hand again. Give your hand a firm jab with your tongue, just so you can see how strong your tongue is. Then play away with different ways of moving your tongue across your skin. I know it will feel silly to “practice” on your hand, but it really is an easy way to get a sense of how things feel